I find the death of Tamir Rice personally heartbreaking, because I did the same thing—and this never would have happened to me. When I was in high school, I pointed a toy gun at a pair of police officers. But the fact of the matter is this: I’m white. I was not in genuine danger from them.

I was in the forests of a public park, with a bunch of friends, LARPing. I had a very realistic handgun prop, that looked almost identical to the one Tamir Rice was carrying. I had about thirty other teenagers at my back, all in cyberpunk costumes and carrying weapons of their own. Picnickers heard the screams of dying LARPers and called the cops.

The cops came up behind me, and I turned to them with the gun fully raised and pointed right at them. I saw them go for their guns, but when I threw mine in the air and shouted that I was an actor, their hands never reached their holsters. Despite the fact that I had a veritable army behind me, and many of them were armed. The cops calmly picked up my gun, looked it over, and then they laughed about it.

They thought it was hilarious. They made jokes about it on the radio as they reported it in. They asked me to put the gun away, and next time use a less realistic one. Then they sat on a park bench and ate lunch while they watched the rest of our game.

I pointed a toy gun at two cops in a park, and my punishment was a joke and a mildly-worded warning. Tamir Rice held a toy gun near some cops in a park, and he’s dead for it.

I’m white. Tamir Rice was black.

Anyone who tells you that racism isn’t alive and well in 2014 America is lying to your face.